A Generic Breadbox
by Happy Cows Mooo
Summary: This is a generic breadbox sort of like a movie summary for all three of the Harry Potter movies... fun... Contains lots of sarcasm and cynicism. The rating is just to be safe.


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and some incidents are products of J. K. Rowling's imagination, not mine. Any resemblance to fanfics, original fiction, or any other document, living or dead, is entirely coincidental (except for Harry Potter, of course).

I'm hoping the F.B.I. won't come to my house and beat me up for using copyrighted characters.

This is a generic breadbox script for all the Harry Potter movies... I was really tired when I wrote this, and you may not think it is at all funny. Even if you don't, somebody please R&R.

EXT. BRITISH SUBURB - EERILY CLEAN HOUSE

HARRY

I hate my life.

THE DURSLEYS

And we hate you.

PETUNIA

Because we're morons!

DUDLEY

And we're even uglier than we were

in the last movie!

HARRY

Yes. I need some emotional trauma

to prove what a good person I am.

HEDWIG

You've got mail

HARRY

Hmmm... I must be in trouble for

something that is obviously not my

fault. I think I'll run away to make

things worse.

EXT. A GENERIC HOMEY BUILDING

RANDOM MINOR CHARACTERS

Harry, we're so glad we found you!

Now listen while we accidentally

tell you something important to the

plot.

HARRY

Um... thanks.

RANDOM MINOR CHARACTERS

We don't know what you're talking

about.

EXT. DIAGON ALLEY

HARRY

I'm glad I can talk to my friends.

Whatever I found out will naturally

be important, so they should know.

HERMIONE AND RON

Let's sidetrack Harry with more

cleverly concealed plot information!

HARRY

In all the confusion, I've forgotten

what I had to say. Oh well.

HERMIONE AND RON

It's OK. You'll remember again when

it's the most dramatic time to say

something.

EXT. PLATFORM 9 3/4

FRED AND/OR GEORGE

Why are we always in this scene?

MRS. WEASLEY

I'm the perfect mother figure, so I have

to give you well meaning but useless

advice before you go.

EXT. BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE

HARRY

Is there anything that can happen to

make this trip more dramatic? Of course

there is.

STEREOTYPICAL VILLAIN

Die, Harry, die!

HARRY

You don't scare me! I'm the hero, so I can

recover from anything! Oh, and before I

forget, someone wants to kill me.

RON AND HERMIONE

Oh no! What will you do?

HARRY

If I knew that, there would be no point to

this scene.

EXT. HOGWARTS

PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL

You can't see the sorting. It takes twenty

minutes of valuable screentime.

PROFESSOR SNAPE

I hate you, Harry.

HARRY

Like I don't know that by now.

EXT. HOGWARTS - LATER

HARRY

Seemingly random yet ominous things are

happening. What could this mean?

RON

I wonder if it's important to the plot?

HERMIONE

Everything's important to the plot.

Nothing unimportant can fit into this

movie.

NEVILLE

I'm comic relief! Ow!

HERMIONE

Ok, maybe not everything.

EXT. WINTER HOGWARTS

HARRY

Random, ominous things are still

happening. Let's go talk to Hagrid.

HAGRID

I can't tell you anything. Have you

noticed my fascination with large,

extremely dangerous monsters?

EXT. HOGWARTS. AGAIN.

HARRY

I'd have sworn that building wasn't

there before.

OLD BUILDING

What? I've always been here. How

dare you challenge my authority?

HARRY

Whatever. Hagrid won't tell us

anything. Let's explore so we can

work ourselves into a dead-end

plot.

HERMIONE AND RON

Ok!

EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

HARRY

Oh no! A monster! Who will save us?

MONSTER

I, too, am an important plot element.

I'm so proud!

HERMIONE

I have the solution!

RON

I'll get in the way!

EXT. HOGWARTS

PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL

We have to plan this carefully so

that none of the five teachers the

audience knows about are present

when Harry needs us.

PROFESSOR SNAPE

I'll keep acting evil just to confuse

him.

SOME D.A.D.A. TEACHER

And I'll be a part of the problem,

but Harry will never suspect me!

EXT. HIDDEN PART OF HOGWARTS

HARRY

Is the castle really big enough to

have all these hidden areas that

no one ever found out about?

RON AND/OR HERMIONE

We're here to help because we're the

only other major characters anyone

knows about.

SOME D.A.D.A TEACHER

You never even suspected me! W00t!

HARRY

You'll get brownie points for that, I'm

sure. Can we have the emotional

confrontation surrounded by danger

now?

OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER

I did something evil!

HARRY

I know that. I can read your title. I

just don't know who you are because

the director didn't provide enough

backstory.

OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER

I killed something!

HARRY

Can you be any less specific?

OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER

Dumbledore will explain everything later.

HARRY

Dang, this scene is long. I guess I'd better

kill you now.

OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER

You will never win!

OBSCURE EVIL CHARACTER

Crap!

HARRY

Ha ha... sucker!

EXT. HOSPITAL WING

HARRY

Wow, this room is ugly.

DUMBLEDORE

Good job, Harry. You beat the

obscure evil character. Now I will say

something that sounds important without

actually meaning anything.

HARRY

That's very comforting.

EXT. GREAT HALL

FRIENDS ET AL.

You did it Harry! We're so proud and

happy!

HERMIONE

I guess this is the end of the movie.

HARRY

Wait. What happened to the rest of

the plot?

HERMIONE

It either became part of the ending

or wasn't important enough to be

included in the actual film.

HARRY

Oh. Ok.


End file.
